Practice Task 2 - Sample Essay 2A
In many developing countries, children work in some form to bring in necessary income from an early age. In the first world, many people think this is damaging and wrong but others would argue that their work brings them a sense of contributing, belonging and responsibility. What is your opinion?
1) Millions of families depend on income from their younger members. Children may work in agriculture, especially at critical times like planting or harvest; in a family business or enterprise, or in manufacturing. Some may have to support themselves and maybe siblings, in whatever way they can. These situations are commonplace in Africa, South America, India and Asia.
2) Many people in the 'first world' think that children have a human right to be financially supported and protected by adults at least until they finish their primary education. They are concerned about exploitation: children kept in cramped, unhealthy or dangerous conditions, or forced to perform acts of prostitution, crime, or warfare. Of course this treatment is wrong, cruel and morally repulsive to most people.
3) However, in less extreme circumstances, there may be rewards. A child may be able to attend school but also help with the family workload. S/he may feel a sense of pride or developing responsibility. Work may enhance a sense of belonging or facilitate learning a useful vocational or 'life' skill. In many countries, children participate actively in all aspects of family life from a very early age, and are not shielded from 'real life' as may happen in more developed countries.
4) I feel that if a child can live in a loving environment and get a basic education, it is acceptable for him/her to contribute by working. However, it is also necessary to protect children everywhere from cruelty and exploitation and to try to ensure that all children have the basics necessary for survival and wellbeing.
262 words
Comments:
| Paragraph 1 | expands on the fact of child labour, indicating where this happens and what form it may take. |
| Paragraph 2 | outlines the argument that it is wrong for children to work and illustrates some exploitative scenarios. |
| Paragraph 3 | indicates situations in which it seems acceptable for a child to work and where it may even be beneficial. |
| Paragraphs 4 | gives the writer's point of view and summarises. |
The vocabulary range is good and the style appropriate with both simple and more complex sentence structures. Coherence between sentences and paragraphs is clear, ideas and examples are adequate, despite the fact that the writer's opinion is not voiced until the last paragraph. The length is appropriate.
Practice Task 2 - Sample Essay 2B
In many developing countries, children work in some form to bring in necessary income from an early age. In the first world, many people think this is damaging and wrong but others would argue that their work brings them a sense of contributing, belonging and responsibility. What is your opinion?
1) In much developping counties, children work in some form to bring in necessary income from an early age. I think that it is not good. Usually it is becouse they have to. Sometimes they canot go to school becase of this and they have to work all day for their parents. Or maybe they have to look after bothers and sisters or old people. I think it is not good. All children have to be educated. Later they can get a sence of contributing, bellonging and responsibility. I think if you ask children they do not want to work when they are young. Also sometimes they have to work for many ours a day and this makes them very tired. Sometimess they want to run away but they cannot. So I think it is not good. But if your family has no money and you have to work then you have to work and you cannot choise to go to school or to run away.
181 words
Comments:
There are a number of serious problems with this essay. Primarily, at 181 words, it is much too short. Task 2 of the writing paper should be 250 words. Even 10% less (225 words) means that the MAXIMUM mark the examiner can give you on one of the 3 criteria is 5. As this is much shorter, the writer would score 3 or at most 4, even if the grammar was correct and ideas and progression were evident.
Secondly, many words are mis-spelled, even if they have been given in the title of the essay. This is surprisingly common, so proofread your writing carefully after you finish. There are 10 spelling mistakes in the essay; can you spot them?
Thirdly, whilst the sentence structures are adequate, they are also simple and the vocabulary range is not impressive or interesting. An examiner will suspect that the writer is incapable of more complex sentence structures or a wider range of vocabulary. Remember, you can only be examined on what you write; it is up to you to make an impression!
Finally, there is no paragraphing and one sentence is repeated several times. There is no particular logical progression, just a few standard opinions thrown together. Be as precise as possible in conveying meaning and justify your opinions.