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Draft One of Narrative Writing on Michael Jordan

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By George Lam, Anthony Leung, Ivan Leung, Eric Lo, Jason Lo and Luk Chi Kwan.

Jordan, Michael (1963 - ), leading scorer in the NBA, and the winner of 3 NBA MVP (awards).

Jordan was born in Brooklyn, New York, and raised in Wilmington, North Carolina. He acted as (was) a freshman at (in) 1982, and he left college in 1984 to play with the Chicago Bulls of the NBA. He finished his first season (1984-1985) as one of the top scorers in the league. He finished the 1986-1987 season as the second player.

Till now, he has led the NBA in scoring for 7 consecutive seasons (1987-1993) . He because (became) the Chicago Bull’s all-time leading scorer, with 21,541 points, and his NBA scoring records include, (the) highest career average (32.3 point per game); (the) highest career playoff scoring average (34.7 point per game); (the) most points in a playoff game (63 points against the Boston Celtics in 1986); (and) the highest scoring average for an NBA championship series.

Jordan announced his retirement prior to the 1993-1994 season, his retired as one of the great all-around basketball player (s) in NBA history.

Early in 1994 Jordan returned to professional sports, He returned as a basketball player. And now, He supposes (wants) to be a professional golf player since he (is) also interest (ed) in it beside (s) basketball.

Feedback: Quite good. However, there are a few careless mistakes, such as ‘at 1982’ and using a capital letter for ‘He’ after a comma.

  • You need to say what ‘MVP’ means, as in British English we say ‘man of the match’, so British English readers might not know what ‘MVP’ means.
  • For records, use ‘the’ in front of each record, because it is a ‘superlative’, like comparative and superlative adjectives.
  • If you write ‘one of the’ you must use a plural noun; eg. ‘One of the greatest basketball players of all time.’
  • People are interested in a subject or hobby. The rule is, if you are describing your or a person’s feeling, use ‘_ed’, if you are describing a thing or an activity, ie. the cause of the feeling, use ‘_ing’. For example, ‘I am interested in football, but volleyball is not interesting.’
  • ‘Beside’ (no ‘s’) describes a place, ‘besides’ (with an ‘s’) is similar to ‘as well’.
  • You haven’t put any references or a bibliography, which would cause you to fail in the real assessment.

 

Last updated on: Friday, August 19, 2016