| By George Lam, Anthony Leung, Ivan Leung,
Eric Lo, Jason Lo and Luk Chi Kwan. Jordan,
Michael (1963 - ), leading scorer in the NBA, and
the winner of 3 NBA MVP (awards).
Jordan was born in Brooklyn, New York, and
raised in Wilmington, North Carolina. He acted
as (was) a freshman at
(in) 1982, and he left college in 1984 to
play with the Chicago Bulls of the NBA. He
finished his first season (1984-1985) as one of
the top scorers in the league. He finished the
1986-1987 season as the second player.
Till now, he has led the NBA in scoring for 7
consecutive seasons (1987-1993) . He because (became)
the Chicago Bull’s all-time leading
scorer, with 21,541 points, and his NBA scoring
records include, (the) highest career
average (32.3 point per game); (the) highest
career playoff scoring average (34.7 point per
game); (the) most points in a playoff game
(63 points against the Boston Celtics in 1986); (and)
the highest scoring average for an NBA
championship series.
Jordan announced his retirement prior to the
1993-1994 season, his retired as one of the great
all-around basketball player (s) in NBA
history.
Early in 1994 Jordan returned to professional
sports, He returned as a
basketball player. And now, He supposes
(wants) to be a professional golf player
since he (is) also interest (ed) in
it beside (s) basketball.
Feedback: Quite good. However, there are a
few careless mistakes, such as ‘at
1982’ and using a capital letter for
‘He’ after a comma.
- You need to say what ‘MVP’
means, as in British English we say
‘man of the match’, so British
English readers might not know what
‘MVP’ means.
- For records, use ‘the’ in
front of each record, because it is a
‘superlative’, like comparative
and superlative adjectives.
- If you write ‘one of the’
you must use a plural noun; eg. ‘One
of the greatest basketball players of all
time.’
- People are interested in a subject or
hobby. The rule is, if you are describing
your or a person’s feeling, use
‘_ed’, if you are describing a
thing or an activity, ie. the cause of
the feeling, use ‘_ing’. For
example, ‘I am interested in
football, but volleyball is not
interesting.’
- ‘Beside’ (no ‘s’)
describes a place, ‘besides’
(with an ‘s’) is similar to
‘as well’.
- You haven’t put any references
or a bibliography, which would cause you
to fail in the real assessment.
|
